fat

So I just binged. Fucking hell. It all came right back up though. A small plate of nachos with salsa and a glass of milk to wash it down. I'm disgusting. How do I stop this mia! I'm much happier with ana these days. If I just don't eat it works better for me. I need to plan my meals. I need to get better at controlling the urge to be a fat pig. I'm losing weight again I think. I'm avoiding the scale. It will just say fat fat fat. But I'm fitting into all my smaller jeans so hopefully that means I'm doing well. I'll muster courage up in a day or so. I need to do a cleanse again. I really need to stay away from alcohol too! It is the biggest contributer to my weight maintaining.

Anyway...I met a guy. I like him so far, but I don't want him to see me this way. I want to be perfect for him. I want to be perfect for my dad. For my sisters. For my mom. I want them to notice me. I want them to love me. They never will. Then I want to be perfect for myself so I can love me. Or hate me even more. Who knows.

I'm rambling. Back to homework I go. Take care ladies!!