hate

I don't know why nightmares come in waves or why I get so fucking angry so easily. I don't know why I can love someone one minute or why I want nothing to do with them the next. I don't know why I'm alive or why I even want to live.

I'm having nightmares again. They're not that bad, but enough to wake me up a few times a night, when I do sleep. My insomnia is back as well. Which doesn't bother me too much, but just leaves me awake with more time to think about how shitty my life is right now and how utterly pointless it seems.

I don't know what I'm doing in the relationship I'm in. I don't want to be in one at all. She's great, but I just don't love her the same way she loves me anymore. Now I feel compelled to continue the relationship even though it's long distance, in order not to hurt her. But what about me? It frustrates me beyond belief and I told her right from the start to NOT fall in love with me. Long story revolving the whole thing, but I just want out now I think. Officially done is what I want.

I have no job still. That's pissing me off to no extent. I have next to no friends here anymore and my sisters don't have enough time in their lives to include me, so it really pretty much leaves me in my room sulking when I have the chance. It's really eating me up inside. How can I hate myself so much? How can I not have any friends anymore? How can I not have a job? I can't even at least go out and get loaded with a bunch of strangers and loss all abandon and act like a complete idiot, regretting it in the morning, but doing it all over again anyway.

*sigh* When will all of this end? When I'm skinny...yup. For sure.

On my way. Off to do 2 hours of cardio after my fat ass slacked off all day! Fucking disgusting me! Ate sushi for lunch (341 calories) but purged some of it. Still no excuse to be at 360calories for the day when the max was supposed to be 200.

Time to go punish myself.

Take care girls! xox

back again!

Hi anyone reading, which is probably no one, but that's okay. I am finally back. A lot has happened in the last couple months. For one, I moved. Far again, but ended up working out perfectly for my eating habits. I have been going crazy with my dieting again and actually seeing results this time. I'm burning off about 1000 calories a day and on day 6 of the abc diet! Haven't had any b/p's in the last few months, but have purged a couple of times after having something "decent" to eat.
Well, just thought I'd start blogging again to keep me on track! I'm bloated and sore from lunch(340cals), so I purged. I'm going to take a nap and get up and do my hour of cardio. Already went for a 2 hours hike today. It felt amazing.
Gotta keep this up, I'll be skinny in no time!

Hope all of you are well <3 Glad to be back!!

going down

Wow a second post for the day! Look at me go. Well I had 2 minor b/p's today which I haven't done in a while it feels like. Well they were each about 500cals or less each. But that was before noon. I haven't eaten since. I don't know why that happens to me. I don't get hungry at all after like 1 or 2pm. I don't need any food for the rest of the day and night. My jean shorts can slide off of me while done up. That's an improvement. I'm scared of the scale. Fat fat fat is all it will say. I must keep dieting, even during spring break. 500 cals a day and nothing more. I have many excuses, I'm way too fat for anyone to care what I eat and it's my body. Not to mention the fucking madness going on in my head! I want to fucking scream and cry and cut and drink and indulge in endless amounts of drugs. Fucking fat disgusting worthless piece of shit that I am.

Ugh. Anyway, so that guy. He keeps texting me wanting to make small talk and shit. Um no dude. We aren't going to date. Never. I don't fucking date. I don't even have sober one night stands. I have drunk hookups that take the pain away. I don't want to get involved. I hate cuddling more than anything and never ever tell me you're going to change me. You can't. I am the way I am and no stranger is going to change that. Why do these people walk into my life and think they can make everything okay?! I don't need to be saved assholes! I just need to be saved from me. I don't want your love. I don't want anything from you. You don't have to do anything for me. I never asked you to, so don't assume you know me and make these decisions. It's bullshit and you know it. Well I'm off to go bake a cake (not eating it of course) and to drink away a bottle.

vomit

I feel like throwing up. I'm sick to my stomach. Shockingly not because of food because I haven't eaten anything in over 16 hours. But because I made a stupid sober choice last night. I slept with a guy, who by the way thinks we're dating now, but I'll get to that after. The reason why I want to die is because it brought up so many memories and feelings that I have pushed away over the last little while. I can't even sit here I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I know I need therapy but I can't go to it. I want to die in a hole and scrub my body till it is raw. I can't even sit here. I wanted to cry last night, but I can't cry. I was shaking and screaming in my head so loud I thought he could hear, but he didn't. I just pretended. I am such a good actress. I have already started drinking and it's 8:15am. I won't have a lot. Just enough to calm me down through this. Just until the thoughts and everything leave my mind. I have lots to do today. I have to get through it. How am I ever going to do that? Ugh.

Okay so to make it worse. He thinks we're dating now or something. It's retarded. I straight up told him, I work like a guy. I have no emotions, I rarely break down walls, I am not clingy, I don't do relationships, and my heart is a cold stone. He thinks he can change me. Oh did I mention he's 18 and I'm 21. That poses a huge problem to begin with. I can't deal with that. Ugh. I just don't want anything to do with life right now. I want to disappear. I can't eat. I guess that's a good thing about being fucked in the head with all this disgusting shit. Oh and he stared at my arm and found a few scars on it and asked where they were from. I said it doesn't matter and then he said 'oh you like cutting yourself' and was laughing. Stupid people.

Anyway...I have to go drink some forget-it-juice. I will post more later. Hopefully I start feeling better. Spring break is starting!
hope all you ladies are doing well!! <3

perfect

Sorry

Sorry guys. I've been gone for a while. But actually I've been doing really well with my weight loss all of a sudden. I've cut back my food a lot and I'm going to the gym everyday for an hour! I can already see a difference but I don't want to step on the scale until Friday because I'm scared it will say something in the 140's :( Well I hit the gym again today and had 415 calories. I'm going out tonight for a couple drinks, but no more food for the day.

I just sniffed up a vicodin. Love the way they make me feel. I love the way any drug makes me feel. I know drugs are bad, but I honestly can't resist them. If someone handed me a whole plate full of drugs and an endless supply of them there is no doubt in my mind that I would take them. I've been craving them so much lately. I just need to get some good hookups in this area and a lot more money than I am making right now. I can't find a job anywhere and I'm sick of looking. I'm debating what other ways I can make some fast cash. Any ideas? I know some of mine aren't morally sound, but I'm sick of living on nothing.

Anyway, I am sweating! It's so hot here! I'll catch up with all your guys' blogs and then post tomorrow!
Take care ladies <3

alone

I started the day well and I think I'm ending it well. I only ate a yogurt with strawberries and blueberries in it for breakfast, but then i binged on 3 chicken strips for lunch and tortellini for dinner. Of course those both came right back up though. I can tell I'm not gaining but I'm still too scared to step on the scale.

I'm fasting this whole week. I'm alone so i have no one to tell me I have to eat or I should eat or anything like that. I will be all alone. I did well last time, except for when people try to force food down my throat. I will do it this week. I will.
I need to also vow to myself that I will stop the binges. If I cant stop drinking, I have to stop binging. They are killing me. Literally. Plus I don't think it's helping my weight loss at all. Anyway, had hopes of going out tonight...but I don't think that's happening anymore. I think I may just get kind of drunk and watch endless episodes of sappy tv that make me hate myself and my life even more.
Have to erase all the disgusting memories floating through my head right now.

Night ladies.