vomit

I feel like throwing up. I'm sick to my stomach. Shockingly not because of food because I haven't eaten anything in over 16 hours. But because I made a stupid sober choice last night. I slept with a guy, who by the way thinks we're dating now, but I'll get to that after. The reason why I want to die is because it brought up so many memories and feelings that I have pushed away over the last little while. I can't even sit here I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I know I need therapy but I can't go to it. I want to die in a hole and scrub my body till it is raw. I can't even sit here. I wanted to cry last night, but I can't cry. I was shaking and screaming in my head so loud I thought he could hear, but he didn't. I just pretended. I am such a good actress. I have already started drinking and it's 8:15am. I won't have a lot. Just enough to calm me down through this. Just until the thoughts and everything leave my mind. I have lots to do today. I have to get through it. How am I ever going to do that? Ugh.

Okay so to make it worse. He thinks we're dating now or something. It's retarded. I straight up told him, I work like a guy. I have no emotions, I rarely break down walls, I am not clingy, I don't do relationships, and my heart is a cold stone. He thinks he can change me. Oh did I mention he's 18 and I'm 21. That poses a huge problem to begin with. I can't deal with that. Ugh. I just don't want anything to do with life right now. I want to disappear. I can't eat. I guess that's a good thing about being fucked in the head with all this disgusting shit. Oh and he stared at my arm and found a few scars on it and asked where they were from. I said it doesn't matter and then he said 'oh you like cutting yourself' and was laughing. Stupid people.

Anyway...I have to go drink some forget-it-juice. I will post more later. Hopefully I start feeling better. Spring break is starting!
hope all you ladies are doing well!! <3