hate

I don't know why nightmares come in waves or why I get so fucking angry so easily. I don't know why I can love someone one minute or why I want nothing to do with them the next. I don't know why I'm alive or why I even want to live.

I'm having nightmares again. They're not that bad, but enough to wake me up a few times a night, when I do sleep. My insomnia is back as well. Which doesn't bother me too much, but just leaves me awake with more time to think about how shitty my life is right now and how utterly pointless it seems.

I don't know what I'm doing in the relationship I'm in. I don't want to be in one at all. She's great, but I just don't love her the same way she loves me anymore. Now I feel compelled to continue the relationship even though it's long distance, in order not to hurt her. But what about me? It frustrates me beyond belief and I told her right from the start to NOT fall in love with me. Long story revolving the whole thing, but I just want out now I think. Officially done is what I want.

I have no job still. That's pissing me off to no extent. I have next to no friends here anymore and my sisters don't have enough time in their lives to include me, so it really pretty much leaves me in my room sulking when I have the chance. It's really eating me up inside. How can I hate myself so much? How can I not have any friends anymore? How can I not have a job? I can't even at least go out and get loaded with a bunch of strangers and loss all abandon and act like a complete idiot, regretting it in the morning, but doing it all over again anyway.

*sigh* When will all of this end? When I'm skinny...yup. For sure.

On my way. Off to do 2 hours of cardio after my fat ass slacked off all day! Fucking disgusting me! Ate sushi for lunch (341 calories) but purged some of it. Still no excuse to be at 360calories for the day when the max was supposed to be 200.

Time to go punish myself.

Take care girls! xox